im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
