I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
