I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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