Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
