If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
