im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
