Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
