Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
