That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
