I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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