why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Randomize
