im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
