I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
