You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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