i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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