Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
