im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
