so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
this beer tastes like vomit already
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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