found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am one with the molecules
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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