I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize