hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
