The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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