I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
