the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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