You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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