i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
