Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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