i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
