I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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