remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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