OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
