Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
