We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
