the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
