The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
