I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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