I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
