cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
