He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I still have a little drunk in my system
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
