Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
