Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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