When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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