You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
