Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
