You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
