Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
