Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
