i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
40s are totally the cure
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
