Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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