so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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