I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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