I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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