I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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