I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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