It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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