Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
