I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
