awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
