I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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